Thursday Thoughts

The last couple of days have been a mixed bag. On one hand, the daily numbers we've been posting have been motivating and it's fun seeing others join in. On the other hand, I'm still find it frustrating being in class. Yesterday we practiced kicks on the heavy bag while holding a medicine ball over our heads and my shoulder is killing me today. I shouldn't have taken part in that but it's even more frustrating seeing everyone with their stripes when I've been missing out, so I don't want to miss out on anything else.

I'm not sure how to stop comparing myself to everyone else. Life is all about competition. You compete for jobs, you compete in sports, you compete in school, and as a child you even compete for the attention of your parents. How do you just turn that off? And how do you know when it's time to walk away? No matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be a pro hockey player. No amount of practice is going to get me there. I know that and I focus on other things. How do I know I'm not cut out for kung fu?

If you extrapolate my current progress out, I estimate it will take me over ten years to get a black belt and if you would have told me that going in, I never would have signed up in the first place. A yellow belt seems so far away to me; I can't even fathom what it will take to get a black belt. I've decided to give it to the end of the summer and see if I've made any more progress. If not, I think I'm going to call it quits. At that point I'll have been in kung fu for a year and I think that's enough time to make a fair assessment.

Diet Update

All of my recent posts have been pretty negative so I’ve tried really hard to think of something positive to write about. A few posts back I talked about the importance of diet and how I wanted to do better in this area. This is something that I have definitely improved on. In the last few weeks I have made a few small changes and I have been able to stick with them. I’ve been keeping my fast food consumption to one day per week. My fridge has been full of fruit (and some vegetables), and I’ve cut my processed sugar consumption down significantly, mostly in the form of liquid calories like pop and slurpees.

I’m finding that it’s a lot easier to eat well when it’s warm and sunny out. As soon as it cools down and the rain starts, I want to go to Wendy’s and lay around on the couch. It’s also easier to eat fruit and vegetables in the summer when everything is in season and it’s cheaper and of better quality. I’m hoping that the habits I develop now will be sustained when the season changes.

Change

Why is change so difficult? There are so many things that I want to change about myself but I struggle to make even the most minor ones. Is it because in order to change, you first need to admit that what you’re currently doing isn’t working? That’s really what you’re doing when you decide to make a change – admitting that you were wrong. It’s as if I don’t trust myself to decide what’s best for me, so when I want to do things differently, I argue with myself and I dig my heels in. I’m not sure if that made sense at all, but that’s how I feel. I continually let myself down and take the path of least resistance.

For example – I didn’t go to class on Monday or last night, simply because I didn’t want to. There was nothing keeping me from going. Some team members have spoken about their positive connection to the kwoon. I don’t have that. For me, it’s a place I go to fail. It’s easier for me to stay away than it is to go and overcome my feelings of failure. I know that I can change how I feel if I change my attitude. But knowing I can do something is different than actually doing it.  

Failing Forward

After my last post about failure, Sifu Csillag recommended a book to me called "Failing Forward". I'm about a third of the way through it now and one of the things the author, John C. Maxwell, talks about is the concept of taking action. He says that you can't wait until you feel good to take action; you have to first take action to feel good. 

This is one of the things that I'm struggling with right now. Most days I question why I'm trying to learn kung fu, let alone why I joined the I Ho Chuan. The sense of failure I have is much stronger than the feeling of accomplishment. I feel bad more often than I feel good. I accept that that is all on me. The more work I put in, the more progress I'll make and, in turn, the better I'll feel about myself. The funny things is that, before kung fu, I was content with my mediocrity. I wasn't happy all the time, but I was as happy then as I am now. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, at this point in time, I don't yet feel like kung fu has provided much value to me. That being said, I'm trying to push forward on blind faith. I'm going to continue to try to take action in hopes that I'll feel better.

Back To The Drawing Board

Tonight was a bit disappointing for me. It was the first time I participated in class in quite a while. The warmup was pretty taxing for me as I hadn't been pushing myself that much while I was off. 

We worked on forms for the first part of class and I was really sure that I would be able to get my white stripe but unfortunately I wasn't quite good enough. I don't have anyone but myself to blame. Forms are one of the few things that I've practiced consistently while I was off but practicing at home doesn't do much if nobody corrects your form. I've had days where I did 8 or 10 reps and I feel like I wasted them all.

I know that there are people that get motivated by failure. You knock them down and they get up stronger. I'm not like that, although I wish I was. Failure doesn't motivate me; it make me want to quit. I recall a conversation that I had with Ms. Gibbons and she told me that one of the biggest reasons that she keeps coming around is the people. I think I feel the same way. I really enjoy everyone at SRKF and it always amazes me how helpful and encouraging everyone is.

I think I need to be able to train my brain to treat failure differently. Right now it always feels like the end of the world to me but I need to view it differently.

Life Is Hard

I believe that a person can exist or they can live. And there's a big difference between the two. Someone that merely exists does not strive to be a better person today than they were yesterday. They probably don't want to achieve great things and if they do, they are not willing to do what it takes to achieve them.

I've spent long periods of my life existing and not living, and it's a terrible feeling. The path of least resistance is what most people take, myself included. I've come to the realization that life is hard. 

Life is hard because it's a never-ending challenge to overcome negative thought patterns and the inherent laziness of humans. There's no quick fix where you can make a few changes to your life and then just coast the rest of the way. You have to be relentless in your desire to be a better person every day. 

I've been committed to self-improvement for many years but it's only been in the last 6 months that I've been able to grasp the importance of incremental progress; the idea that consistent effort over a long period of time adds up to great things. I used to be in the habit of giving up when things got rough. The last few months have been frustrating at times for me but I've tried to continue to come to class even if I can't participate, and keep up with my training, even if it's just a few form reps and nothing else. This has made me realize two things: 1) I'm probably never going to be satisfied with my progress, but more importantly, 2) the consistent effort has produced results. 

I think I'm finally starting to appreciate the journey that I'm on and focus less on the destination.

Changes

I received the results from my MRI and I need surgery. I have a torn rotator cuff and a torn labrum.

The bad news is that even under the best circumstances, I'm likely not going to get surgery in 2014. My doctor seems to think that I'd be a good candidate for surgery and I shouldn't have much problem other than the long wait.

The good news is that I can return to training (sort of). I don't have to worry about damaging my shoulder since it is already pretty damaged, although there are still some things that I can't do just because of the pain (shoulder rolls, punches with any kind of power). I'm going to try to start doing pushups again and see what happens.

I'm going to try and use this change as an opportunity to work on my kicks and stances. I should also be able to do forms without much trouble as long as I take it easy.

Another change I have upcoming is that I will be working out of town again, starting in the next couple of months. I have some trepidation about this but I will be able to come to one class each week and I will be in town for every other Friday and Saturday. Sifu Brinker has said that morning kung fu may be an option for me as well. Life is throwing an obstacle in front of me but it's up to me to choose how to deal with it.