Progress

Since my last post, I've started my new job, although not without a few hiccups in the beginning. My first couple of days were marked by panic attacks on my way in the morning. I couldn't bring myself to go to work and the thought of going was making me vomit on the side of the road. This was even with my wife driving me to work in the hopes of being able to break a possible negative mental link I had from driving long distances to work. 

After the second day of failure, my wife suggested the possibility of Ativan, or some other anti-anxiety med. Willing to try anything, I was able to get in to see the doctor that day and I procured some Xanax. Between Mel driving me and the Xanax's effects, I was able to go to work the next day with no real issues. Same for the rest of the week. After being home for the weekend, I knew that I needed to be able to drive myself to work. Mel still woke up with me, but I was able to make it in all week. I did have a small issue on Tuesday and almost didn't go in but Mel helped me and I made it, just a bit late. 

It's still a bit funny thinking and writing about having trouble going to work. It seems like such a simple and easy thing. But life isn't always simple or easy. So far, "one day at a time", has been working for me. I'm trying not to take anything for granted at the moment and just put one foot in front of the other. I've been seeing a new psychologist and I've started some new anti-depressant meds. Both have been great for me so far. My mood has been better recently than it has been in a long time. I've even been told that my company is enjoyable.  :) The next month or so is going to consist of me just going to work, getting in a positive routine. Rewarding myself for my successes and building on them as I go.

A New Job

I'm starting a new job tomorrow. On one hand I'm excited because it will allow me to catch up financially, very quickly. One of the roots of my depression was my lay-off back in 2016. Leading up to that time, I was really strong financially. I made good money, I had no debt other than my mortgage and vehicle, and I had savings and investments. When I was off work for heath reasons, I was overly confident that I would would have a job waiting for me when I returned to work, and I continued to spend like I did when I was working. When I finally returned to work, I was laid off right away. I didn't realize how much of my self-worth was tied to my job and financial well-being.

Over the next couple of years, I accrued more and more debt as my lay-off was right in the middle of the recession in Alberta and consistent work eluded me. I was forced to rack up my credit cards, my line of credit, and I even borrowed money from family. Even though I always thought I had things under control, the truth was I was sinking deeper and deeper, financially and mentally. Things finally came to a head for me when I started skipping work (which doesn't make a lot of sense when you have money trouble) and lying to my wife about it. She didn't have any idea how bad my depression was because I hid it from her. She eventually found out and I came clean about everything. Unsurprisingly, she immediately supported me and has helped me to get the creditors off my back and ensure my credit rating didn't take too much of a hit. 

Fast forward to last week. I was offered a job for a 4 month project. The money is outstanding but the job is located in Ponoka. The hours are 6:30am to 5:30am with a 1.5 hour commute on each end of the day. 6 days a week. While the terms of the work are not ideal, this is an opportunity for me that I need to take advantage of. It hasn't been easy for me to avoid getting stuck on the negative parts of the job, but I feel like I can do this if I focus on taking things one day at a time.

A New Start

All of my previous journal entries have been directly related to my kung fu training, which I am not doing anymore. I always tell people that my time training taught me life lessons as much as fighting skills. Some of those lessons have been forgotten; some have stayed with me. I've been fighting a battle with depression for years now, although I didn't really know it at the time. Over the last few months, I've experienced some of the lowest times of my life. Thankfully, I have people that care about me, and they've helped me find a path forward. I've decided to continue my journal as I work to get healthy and move forward with my life. 

It's a difficult thing to admit you have a problem or that you need help. It's even more difficult when your thoughts are clouded or skewed toward extreme hopelessness and darkness. You feel like you have no worth and everyone would be much better off without you. You don't feel like there is any hope and therefore no reason to go on living. Some people in this position, unfortunately, don't find their way out. Thankfully, I did, with the support of my wife and family. This journal is one step in my recovery process. It will be a place where I can write about how I am feeling; highs and lows, successes and failures. It will give me something to look back on when I am having a hard time, so I can see my progress. 

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Laozi