Progress

Since my last post, I've started my new job, although not without a few hiccups in the beginning. My first couple of days were marked by panic attacks on my way in the morning. I couldn't bring myself to go to work and the thought of going was making me vomit on the side of the road. This was even with my wife driving me to work in the hopes of being able to break a possible negative mental link I had from driving long distances to work. 

After the second day of failure, my wife suggested the possibility of Ativan, or some other anti-anxiety med. Willing to try anything, I was able to get in to see the doctor that day and I procured some Xanax. Between Mel driving me and the Xanax's effects, I was able to go to work the next day with no real issues. Same for the rest of the week. After being home for the weekend, I knew that I needed to be able to drive myself to work. Mel still woke up with me, but I was able to make it in all week. I did have a small issue on Tuesday and almost didn't go in but Mel helped me and I made it, just a bit late. 

It's still a bit funny thinking and writing about having trouble going to work. It seems like such a simple and easy thing. But life isn't always simple or easy. So far, "one day at a time", has been working for me. I'm trying not to take anything for granted at the moment and just put one foot in front of the other. I've been seeing a new psychologist and I've started some new anti-depressant meds. Both have been great for me so far. My mood has been better recently than it has been in a long time. I've even been told that my company is enjoyable.  :) The next month or so is going to consist of me just going to work, getting in a positive routine. Rewarding myself for my successes and building on them as I go.

A New Job

I'm starting a new job tomorrow. On one hand I'm excited because it will allow me to catch up financially, very quickly. One of the roots of my depression was my lay-off back in 2016. Leading up to that time, I was really strong financially. I made good money, I had no debt other than my mortgage and vehicle, and I had savings and investments. When I was off work for heath reasons, I was overly confident that I would would have a job waiting for me when I returned to work, and I continued to spend like I did when I was working. When I finally returned to work, I was laid off right away. I didn't realize how much of my self-worth was tied to my job and financial well-being.

Over the next couple of years, I accrued more and more debt as my lay-off was right in the middle of the recession in Alberta and consistent work eluded me. I was forced to rack up my credit cards, my line of credit, and I even borrowed money from family. Even though I always thought I had things under control, the truth was I was sinking deeper and deeper, financially and mentally. Things finally came to a head for me when I started skipping work (which doesn't make a lot of sense when you have money trouble) and lying to my wife about it. She didn't have any idea how bad my depression was because I hid it from her. She eventually found out and I came clean about everything. Unsurprisingly, she immediately supported me and has helped me to get the creditors off my back and ensure my credit rating didn't take too much of a hit. 

Fast forward to last week. I was offered a job for a 4 month project. The money is outstanding but the job is located in Ponoka. The hours are 6:30am to 5:30am with a 1.5 hour commute on each end of the day. 6 days a week. While the terms of the work are not ideal, this is an opportunity for me that I need to take advantage of. It hasn't been easy for me to avoid getting stuck on the negative parts of the job, but I feel like I can do this if I focus on taking things one day at a time.

A New Start

All of my previous journal entries have been directly related to my kung fu training, which I am not doing anymore. I always tell people that my time training taught me life lessons as much as fighting skills. Some of those lessons have been forgotten; some have stayed with me. I've been fighting a battle with depression for years now, although I didn't really know it at the time. Over the last few months, I've experienced some of the lowest times of my life. Thankfully, I have people that care about me, and they've helped me find a path forward. I've decided to continue my journal as I work to get healthy and move forward with my life. 

It's a difficult thing to admit you have a problem or that you need help. It's even more difficult when your thoughts are clouded or skewed toward extreme hopelessness and darkness. You feel like you have no worth and everyone would be much better off without you. You don't feel like there is any hope and therefore no reason to go on living. Some people in this position, unfortunately, don't find their way out. Thankfully, I did, with the support of my wife and family. This journal is one step in my recovery process. It will be a place where I can write about how I am feeling; highs and lows, successes and failures. It will give me something to look back on when I am having a hard time, so I can see my progress. 

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Laozi

Breathing

Over the last several months, I have developed problems breathing. These problems arise at rest and they arise during exertion. I have had pulmonary exams and I am currently seeing a lung specialist. I currently don't have a diagnosis but I'm reasonably confident it won't turn out to be anything serious and I will get it under control.

In the meantime, these issues have plagued my workouts. I went hiking last weekend but I had to stop short. My gym workouts can cause me to get lightheaded if I'm not careful. Even attempting to resume kung fu training has been met with a bit of frustration.

Through this, I am trying to see the lessons, which are two-fold for me:

1) I no longer take breathing for granted. This might sound silly but when you go to take a breath and it's not there, it's a scary feeling. I'm thankful when I can breathe normally and this helps to keep a person humble.

2) I have realized that I hold my breathe when I do forms. I could not make it through Da Mu Hsing and I realized that it's because I don't breathe properly. This is something I have never really thought about before and is something that I need to work on. It just goes to show that there is always progress to be made, especially during a set back. 

A Journey of a Thousand Miles...

Throughout my entire I Ho Chuan experience, the one thing that I have struggled the most with is the 1609 km of running/walking, etc. I loathe running and I still haven't tried it again recently. 

I did, however, pick up a Fitbit so that I can keep track of all my walking each day, which, admittedly, isn't a lot, but 3km on a light walking day will add up to big things when I log it every day. 

Part of the process, for me, in getting where I need to be, is celebrating the little things that I am doing right again. This is one of those things. Finding a way to make progress in an area that I have struggled with in the past is important to me because it means that I am working through my past failures. As long as I log my progress every day, I will have succeeded where previously I failed, and, to me, that's what the I Ho Chuan is all about. 

Lessons Learned and Relearned

When you spend as much time away from class and from training as I have, you realize that you end up repeating lessons that you learned previously but forgot over time. 

Case in point: I submitted my personal requirements to Sifu Brinker and his feedback made me smile. A few of my goals were set up in a way that made me focus on a weekly requirement instead of an overall goal. Focusing on achieving a weekly effort sets you up for failure as soon as life hits and you miss a week. If you you focus on incremental effort to achieve a large number, you can let life do it's worst to you and you can still maintain your pace. 

This is something that I had learned already from my first I Ho Chuan year; however, I had forgotten it. They say, "If you don't use it, you lose it". I know this to be true. I know that I am going to repeat a lot of lessons over the next while but I am embracing it and hopefully I will drill it into myself that much further this time around.  

Here are my revised personal requirements:

1) 25,000 Kicks - this is to build my basics back up and beyond where I have been in he past.
2) 260 hours of music production - this was similar to a requirement that I had last year. This year I have broken it down a bit so that I'm not focused on the end goal so much as just putting in the time consistently. I love music and it's important for me to take the time to do this for myself.

3) Vegetarian for a month - I'm going to go vegetarian for a month, continuously. I've seen the example of others in the area and I'm curious to see if it will benefit me at all.

4) 52 date nights -  for Mel, my fiancee, and I, it's important to have time together when we can unplug and spend quality time together. This requirement will build some structure in the relationship so that we always make time for ourselves.

All of the above will be logged and I will report the progress along with my other requirements.

Reflect and Move On

This past year has had it's share of personal ups and downs. As far as the I Ho Chuan year is concerned, it's been all downs. I've missed all of my classes and my participation has been non-existent. But I'm not dwelling on that because the year isn't over yet, and I can still do my part to chip in. It will be important for me to build some momentum to transition into the Year of the Monkey. 

If I take stock of where I am currently, I can say that I am out of shape, my flexibility has deteriorated significantly, and my engagement still isn't where it needs to be. The benefit to taking stock is now I can put a plan in place to get back on track. And wouldn't you know it, if I stick to our I Ho Chuan requirements, I will get there. 

These are my requirements for the Monkey Team: 

1) 25,000 Kicks - this is to build my basics back up and beyond where I have been in he past.

2) 5 hours of music production every week - this was similar to a requirement that I had last year. This year I have broken it down a bit so that I'm not focused on the end goal so much as just putting in the time consistently. I love music and it's important for me to take the time to do this for myself.

3) Meatless Mondays - I'm going to go vegetarian for the first Monday of every month. I've seen the example of others in this area and I'm curious to see if it will benefit me at all.

4) One date night every week - for Mel, my fiancee, and I, it's important to have time together when we can unplug and spend quality time. This requirement will build some structure in the relationship so that we always make time for ourselves.  

I intend to start incorporating these requirements now so that I can transition into the Monkey Year as seamlessly as possible.