Friday Morning Feelings

So, I’m writing this journal entry with mixed feelings. I’m starting to feel some significant resentment towards kung fu and the effect it’s having on my life.

When I was in Mexico I found myself unable to relax. All I kept thinking was how I was behind on my numbers and how my kung fu was suffering while I was away. Every time I had a drink on the beach I started to feel guilty about being on vacation. Why should I feel guilty about taking a holiday to see my little sister get married? And I know that I could have done my pushups, situps, etc, but the point is that I didn’t want to. I wanted to get away from everything and not worry about anything from home.

It was also frustrating for me when I came home and I got really sick. I basically did nothing for a week. No gym, no kung fu, no work. So when I started getting better, I was also behind on everything else in my life and I needed to catch up. The past week I’ve been feeling physically much closer to 100% although I’m still a bit short of breath and I have a nagging cough.  But regardless, I have had no desire at all to do anything kung fu related.

Prior to this past September, I had spent the last 7 years working out of town. I’ve missed birthdays, I’ve missed holidays, and all kinds of other events. The best I could say was that I popped in and out of people’s lives. I was unable to sustain any kind of personal relationship. Most women think they’re ok with a boyfriend that works out of town until they have to experience it. Trust me, it’s not easy. So now I’m working at home and I’m able to do all the things that I wasn’t able to do before. Lo and behold I’ve even met someone awesome. But now it’s kung fu that’s getting in the way. How many times do you tell someone that you can’t spend time with them because you have class on Friday nights before they get fed up? I know I’m starting to get fed up. I can only rearrange my schedule so many times, or ask her to rearrange her schedule so many times before enough is enough. So, I’m going on a date tonight and if that makes me a bad teammate, so be it.

I guess the bottom line is that I’m having trouble finding balance. I went from no kung fu 6 months ago to 6 days a week, every week. I knew when I joined the Horse Team that it would be a huge time commitment, but I had no way of knowing how I would deal with it. I enjoy my time at the Kwoon. I’ve met some pretty amazing people, and I’m definitely not quitting; I know that’s an impossibility. To be honest, I don’t know what the solution is for the way I’m feeling. I’m just going to do what feels right for me and hopefully that will also be the right thing for the team.