Change

I feel like I have learned something about myself. In order to get the best out of myself, I need to have something to look forward to. Before I went on holidays I was working toward looking and feeling my best; I wanted to “peak” right before I went away.  My diet was good, my training was good, and my engagement was high. I experienced a couple of new things during that time.

First, I turned away chocolate. There was a day that I went to the store with the intention of buying a nice big slurpee and a big bag of chocolate (this was on a day off from my diet). Instead, I bought a small slurpee and a single chocolate bar. When I got home I found that I couldn’t even finish the slurpee or the chocolate bar. I was satisfied with the small amount that I had consumed. This was a first for me. I am normally like an animal when it comes to chocolate. I lack the ability to know when enough is enough. I have eaten whole bags of cookies in one sitting and I have had chocolate bars for dinner on more than once occasion. Hopefully this illustrates what a breakthrough this was for me.

Second, I maintained my discipline right up until the day I left. In the past I have always started strong but then limped across the finish line. I attribute this to a lack of discipline and not creating a sustainable training program. Sifu Brinker has talked about black belt candidates giving up everything in the six months prior to grading in order to get where they need to be, which is not sustainable. This was always my approach, and it never worked. I now feel like I have the tools to ensure that I will never limp across the finish line again. The trick will be to get better and better at using those tools.

With all this being said, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that, despite all the effort I put in before holidays, things have been lacking for me since I got back. I haven’t been as engaged and I haven’t put in as much time training. This is something that I will have to work on going forward but I already feel like I’m back in a better frame of mind and the nausea and dizziness that was bothering me is gone now (I think that I had water in my ear and then I flew home). It’s exciting for me to see some significant changes in myself and I hope that there is much more to come.

Post Vacation Update

The last time I went on vacation I ended up in a funk that lasted a couple of months. I was determined not to let that happen again. I had a plan to do some reps while I was away and I had a lot of momentum when I left too, so I was pretty confident. 

My vacation itself was amazing. My friends have a cottage near Parry Sound, ON and it's a great place. It's right on the water and they have a sauna building right off the dock so you can soak in the sauna and then jump right in the lake. The weather wasn't great but the nights were clear so I was able to look up at the stars and I felt very connected to the earth while I was there. 

On the flight home I started to feel sick - light-headed and kind of nauseous. I didn't feel any better yesterday; I did some reps but situps made me dizzy. I took some Gravol to control the nausea and it knocked me out for the night. I didn't get anything else done. Today I feel better but situps and any kind of movement still makes me dizzy. I'm hoping to feel better soon as I'm chomping at the bit to keep going but I can feel my motivation slipping a bit from time to time. Coming to class tonight should help, although I'm not sure yet if I will participate. Either way, I still feel like I'm in a good frame of mind and that's the most important part.

Injuries

My left shoulder has been bothering me more and more lately so I went to the doctor this week to have it checked out. After doing some strength and mobility tests, the doctor concluded that I most likely have a tear in my left rotator cuff to go along with the two tears I have in my right shoulder. I need to have another MRI to confirm this but I am hopeful that this tear isn't as bad as my other ones and I may be able to get by with physiotherapy for my left shoulder.

After leaving the doctor's office, I started thinking about the cause of my injuries. My right shoulder injury was caused (or exacerbated by) a fall on the ice, but I think weight training for many years with incorrect form is the underlying culprit.

When you're not lifting correctly, you put undue strain on other muscle groups that are forced to compensate and you put extra stress on tendons and ligaments. This made me think of the parallel in my kung fu training. I have the benefit of having my technique corrected by instructors and I can see the benefit of learning the proper form at the beginning so that I have a strong base for my technique. As a beginner and as someone that experiences frustration from learning slowly, this is a good lesson for me to keep in the back of my mind. If I had taken a patient and more systematic approach to my weight training, I likely wouldn't have developed the bad habits that I did, and I might not have two injured shoulders to show for it.

I'm not happy about having two bad shoulders but eventually I'll get them fixed, and if I can take something positive from the experience, then I guess it's not entirely bad.   

Acts of Kindness

I'm having a hard time continually being kind to others. The last couple of months have helped me to be a bit more aware of opportunities to be kind but at times I feel like I'm getting tired of it. In the same way that eating very well for a long period of time makes me really crave junk food, now I find myself pushing back against the idea of being kind. I know that makes me sound like a terrible person, but that's honestly how I feel. Maybe I am a terrible person that just does good things occasionally.

I probably shouldn't admit this but when I prevent another driver from getting into my lane, it makes me feel good. I've often said that traffic shows the worst part of humanity and Alberta drivers are particularly bad and I think that maybe I feed off of that negativity. I do feel like I've made strides to improve recently. It's been a while since I lost my temper but I can feel things starting to regress a bit. I've been using more hand gestures toward the other drivers and I'm having a hard time feeling calm behind the wheel. This has, in turn, affected my attitude even after I get out of my vehicle.

I'm thinking about creating a log book of sorts that will track where I'm headed and when I'm driving so that maybe I can identify a pattern and possibly mitigate the circumstances that cause me to get upset. I know that this is only part of the equation and that self-control is the other part. In the meantime I guess I will continue to try to be part of the solution, instead of the problem.