A Moment of Clarity

For the last few weeks I’ve been in a bit of a slump. I haven’t had much in the way of motivation. I hadn’t done any training. I was eating garbage (not actual garbage, just junk food). I was frustrated (and still am frustrated) with the lack of balance in my life. I still don’t know how to achieve balance. I don’t know how to be in two places at once. How do you prioritize Mastery over your relationships? And if you prioritize your relationships, your pursuit of Mastery suffers. There are only so many hours in the day.

 Sifu Playter made a comment on my last journal post and one of the things he said was, “When it’s time to work, work hard. When it’s time to play, don't think about working hard and enjoy the moment.” This makes sense to me but it also raises the question, how do you know when it’s time to work and when it’s time to play? For example, if I neglect a practice because I really need to take some personal time to spend with the wife, etc, am I not letting the team down? And what if everyone else on the team needs some personal time too? We end up with nobody showing up for meetings and practices.

I don’t have answers to any of these questions and it was frustrating me to the point where I didn’t want to participate anymore. I thought that if kung fu is creating stress and confusion in my life, maybe I should do something else. I stopped seeing the value in what I was doing. Last night I was helping a friend out with something and we were talking about how things were going in my life. We didn’t talk about anything kung fu related but he said something that really hit home and made me reconsider my attitude. He said that he had noticed a change in me, “ever since you started learning karate”.

 I asked him what he meant and he told me that I seemed to have a “swagger” (his words), and I’ve been more positive and focused. It’s easy to be consumed by negative thought patterns and if you let them take hold of you, they can really dominate your state of mind. I realized that if my friend noticed positive change in me, maybe I was doing something right after all.

I’m definitely open to anyone’s suggestions on how to balance your life with the time commitments of the Horse Team. I just know that it’s going to have to start with a better attitude on my part.

Friday Morning Feelings

So, I’m writing this journal entry with mixed feelings. I’m starting to feel some significant resentment towards kung fu and the effect it’s having on my life.

When I was in Mexico I found myself unable to relax. All I kept thinking was how I was behind on my numbers and how my kung fu was suffering while I was away. Every time I had a drink on the beach I started to feel guilty about being on vacation. Why should I feel guilty about taking a holiday to see my little sister get married? And I know that I could have done my pushups, situps, etc, but the point is that I didn’t want to. I wanted to get away from everything and not worry about anything from home.

It was also frustrating for me when I came home and I got really sick. I basically did nothing for a week. No gym, no kung fu, no work. So when I started getting better, I was also behind on everything else in my life and I needed to catch up. The past week I’ve been feeling physically much closer to 100% although I’m still a bit short of breath and I have a nagging cough.  But regardless, I have had no desire at all to do anything kung fu related.

Prior to this past September, I had spent the last 7 years working out of town. I’ve missed birthdays, I’ve missed holidays, and all kinds of other events. The best I could say was that I popped in and out of people’s lives. I was unable to sustain any kind of personal relationship. Most women think they’re ok with a boyfriend that works out of town until they have to experience it. Trust me, it’s not easy. So now I’m working at home and I’m able to do all the things that I wasn’t able to do before. Lo and behold I’ve even met someone awesome. But now it’s kung fu that’s getting in the way. How many times do you tell someone that you can’t spend time with them because you have class on Friday nights before they get fed up? I know I’m starting to get fed up. I can only rearrange my schedule so many times, or ask her to rearrange her schedule so many times before enough is enough. So, I’m going on a date tonight and if that makes me a bad teammate, so be it.

I guess the bottom line is that I’m having trouble finding balance. I went from no kung fu 6 months ago to 6 days a week, every week. I knew when I joined the Horse Team that it would be a huge time commitment, but I had no way of knowing how I would deal with it. I enjoy my time at the Kwoon. I’ve met some pretty amazing people, and I’m definitely not quitting; I know that’s an impossibility. To be honest, I don’t know what the solution is for the way I’m feeling. I’m just going to do what feels right for me and hopefully that will also be the right thing for the team.

Back From Vacation (Sort of)

I got back from Mexico late Sunday  night but I brought back the plague with me. I have been pretty much bed ridden all week up until this morning. I couldn't keep any food down and I lost my voice. Today has been the first day that I have started to feel like I am on the road to recovery. 

My holiday itself was nice. My sister got married to an awesome guy and it was great to see her so happy and have all of my family on a vacation together. I had too much sun and a few too many pina coladas. As much as I like going away, I like coming home even better. I complain about the cold but this is home for me and I need the routine in my life. I enjoyed the holiday but, in a way, I felt like I was going away at a bad time. I really felt engaged with my kung fu and I felt like I was steadily progressing. Now I have some catching up to do. I guess that's life though. You make a choice and live with it.

I'm Going Somewhere Warm

Just a quick entry today before I escape the cold and got ot Mexico for a week.

Friday's class reinforced the importance of footwork and having a strong foundation of the basics. As a white belt learning a weapon, I'm finding that the weapon itself is the easy part. I have spent all my time to date practicing basic moves with the nunchuks but now that I am putting them together in a form, the weakest link is my stances and footwork. It was a bit frustrating at first but after a talk with Sifu Csillag, I think I gained some perspective about it. My forms will always need tweaking, no matter how much I practice. There is always something to improve so getting caught up in all the little things is counter-productive to someone at my level. 

Dragon dancing was a lot of fun, although I can see how it will be a lot of work to put a polished dance together.